The Police are having more and more conversations about mental health - after all it is a big part of the incidents we attend each day, as well as one of the most common reasons for sickness in our workplace. We do have a mix of cultures at work - there is often presenteeism, where people come to work even though they are not well. The reasons for this are complex - sometimes it is because they worry about letting their colleagues down or not giving a good service to our communities. Sometimes it is to sustain a sense of invulnerability - in essence living a lie until severe sickness sets in. After all, it is our job to be brave in the face of danger, to solve problems when things go bad, to stand up for victims of crime and to pursue those responsible. Being vulnerable yourself isn't part of that equation!  

A powerful question from the first day of the Kintsugi Hope course was "How can I be honest with myself about how I really feel?" This is ever more important for the Police because we are exposed to trauma, abuse, assault, and danger every day. Sometimes we become desensitised to it. That doesn't mean that there is a lack of care or concern...it is a way of protecting ourselves from feeling too much. It is a very hard balance to be in charge of a situation, taking decisive action, whilst still showing care, compassion and humanity to those involved. It can be exhausting, and yet the culture is to push through, carry on, deal with the next incident, because people are waiting for you to help.

Without breaking confidentiality, the session on Shame deeply moved me. For the first time I could put into words some of the overwhelming feelings I had experienced and seen in others. It brought new meaning to the phrase "dying of shame" and I could immediately recall situations where knowing and understanding this could have helped so many people, myself included. In that moment I let go of some of the shame I felt that had been harbouring and building for years.

I had no idea what the Kintsugi Hope course would be like, or who else was going to be there. I worried that my feelings or perspectives wouldn't be recognised or understood by others. All I would say to someone who might feel the same is to turn up and be honest. Turn up each session and just open your heart because you will be amazed at the kindness and compassion that comes back.

It matters because every day across the emergency services in particular, there are people who feel alone. People who are reluctant to share their feelings for fear of being judged, or misunderstood. The Kintsugi Hope course helped me to have conversations with others, and conversations with myself that have allowed me to think and feel differently about things that have troubled me. That level of insight and understanding into yourself and others is invaluable.

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